American Revolution History as told by me!

Between the late 1600's and the Declaration of Independence in 1776, our forefathers grew tired of the mistreatment by England. The British government was completely controlled by the domineering, prejudiced, discriminatory and hateful Church of England.

Well we didn't really like that much so we started peaceful demonstrations, protests and started civil disobedience tactics. This pissed off the British so they sent troops to America to put us in check. We said “Look man this shit ain't going to cut it. We hate your oppressive Church and your government and we ain't paying you shit. Get out of our country!” Then in 1773 we threw a shitload of tea into the harbor. Needless to say that didn't go over well with the British so in 1774 they closed the Port of Boston and made up a bunch more repressive laws that really pissed us off.

In 1775 we had enough and kicked their ass in the Battles of Lexington, Fort Ticonderoga and Concord, the first battles of the war. Later that same year the British were really embarrassed that such a small band of rebels could make them look so bad and so they sent reinforcements and REALLY kicked our asses good at the Battle of Bunker Hill, which really didn't happen at Bunker Hill it was just called that because of the bunkers we built on Breed's Hill. The British lost 1,150 men, out of 2,500 engaged, and 92 officers but won the battle.

In 1776 we said "This really sucks!" and drafted the Declaration of Independence. We sent that to the King and said "Look here King we're not giving up without a fight so can't we all just get along? You give us independence and we will sell you stuff that you need and we will both make a butt load of money!" The King laughed at us and told our delegation to get out. We snuck out the back door and down the alley cause the King was beside himself with being pissed off and tried to kill our delegates. Since we were better at sneaking than his guys were we got away. That really put his panties in a wad so he sent more troops to America and really started f-ing with us hard.

After we got our butts handed to us on a platter at Bunker Hill, we told this guy George Washington to come over here and take charge of these troops and let's kick some British butt! Well he didn't do so well at first and lost the Battle of Long Island and the white wigs ended up with New York.

Then George had a vision or something and said “Hey I got an idea! Let's sneak across the Delaware when they ain't looking and take New Jersey!" Now Americans were good at sneaking so that's what we did and won the Battles of Trenton and Princeton!

So in 1777 the British decided it was time we stopped making them look like pussies and they kicked our ass again and took Philadelphia. Our Continental Congress saw em coming and skedaddled outta Pennsylvania just in time. Well we said "Oh Yeah? Watch this!" and took back New York at Saratoga. For the rest of the year we traded victories and defeats with them and George's army was really whittled down by winter and harsh conditions from 17,000 to just a few hundred. There was a mutiny and he had to hang a couple to keep the rest in line. After winter he got a bunch more troops and had about 10,000.

Now all this time the French had been watching what was going on and were still trying to trade with us in the back door, but the British started f-ing with them too. In 1778 we got another bright idea and said “Hey France, come help us with these bastards and we can trade stuff you need and we can both make a butt load of money... oh and you can kick the shit outta the British!" Now that sounded real good to the French and they went to their trading partners the Spanish and got them on board too. Then we REALLY started giving the tea totalers hemorrhoids!

We decided to give the British one more try at peace and sent a delegation to the King offering him to quit kicking his ass if he would grant us independence and a few other things we wanted. The English Parliament was seeing how much money the war was costing and how bad they were starting to look in front of the rest of the world so they put the thumb on the King and said "Take their offer man!"

Well the King didn't like being told what to do so he told the American delegation that they could have all the other stuff they wanted but not independence. We pointed our fingers at our asses as we walked out the door and then ran like Hell back to America so they couldn't catch us. Then they beat the Hell out of us at Savannah, Georgia in late 1778. Then for good measure in 1780 took Charleston South Carolina and got control of the South.

In 1781 we finally got our shit together with the French and the Spanish, got a little help from the Dutch and the Russians and some others and took back North, South Carolina and Georgia. This is about when the Loyalists in America, (those people who were Americans but sympathetic to the British), looked around and thought "Wow this isn't the way we had envisioned this!" They decided to get out of Dodge while the getting was good and about 100,000 of them headed north to Canada.

The year of 1781 saw the final major military episode of the American Revolution. The French and American forces over a vast region of North America and the West Indies: a French army in Rhode Island under the comte de Rochambeau, an American army outside New York City under Gen. George Washington, an assortment of American regulars and militia in Virginia under the Marquis de Lafayette, a small French naval squadron at Newport under the comte de Barras, and a formidable French fleet in the West Indies under the comte de Grasse who together kicked major simultaneous ass. Seeing he was going to die, General Cornwallis and the British surrendered at Yorktown. There were a few other small battles and we didn’t lose any more so they mostly just surrendered or stole our sneaking tricks and went to Canada in the night.

Well in 1783 we sauntered over to the King and said "Give us our Independence now or we are going to have France invade England and make you eat Foi Gras!" Since they were already fighting on several other fronts against us, the French, the Spanish and every other country that could put together an army and wanted a piece of the King's ass, he finally gave in and gave us independence and the other stuff too.

Well this kinda pissed off France and they were upset because we made an agreement with the British without checking with the French first. So America fresh off of a victory at the King of England’s place said; "You saw what we did to them do you really want us to get Spain and the rest of the already pissed off world and come to France and kick your ass and force you to eat hamburgers?"

Well they didn't want that so they looked at each other and said "Hey let them have their country and we will go and have our own revolution and get rid of that snooty King of France!" So we signed the Treaty of Paris with the French and the British and with Spain and the French went and had the French Revolution.

Now in 1787 the Constitution of the United States was signed by the delegates of the Constitutional Convention but not all of the founding fathers were happy with it. Ben Franklin and a few of his buddies formed the Anti Federalists and started protesting and threatening another war because the original Constitution looked too much like the government they had just gotten rid off. For the next 2 years they and the Federalists talked, argued, fought and got drunk together and eventually agreed that they needed to add The Bill of Rights and the original 10 Amendments(that started out as 12) to the Constitution.

In 1789 everybody was on the same page and the Constitution of the United States was ratified by 9 of the then 13 States and became effective. Now today, 219 years later in the year 2008, we are fighting the same domineering church. Different names but the same oppression against minorities.

“Hey you guys! Remember the first revolution? Want us to do it again?”